It seems implausible that in just a few months I will no longer be in the first place that has ever felt like “home” as I’ve been an adult, that I’ll be losing all sense of familiarity in my surroundings, that I’ll be a thousand miles away from my dear friends, those that often drop by at a moment’s notice.  I’m not really sure I fully grasp all that this move means or the permanence of it, just yet. I’m still very much in the robotic planning stages of just “getting things done.”  In those moments I have allowed myself to ponder, I am moved to tears and my chest pulls at my soul, like a tearing of flesh by sharp talons.

This isn’t easy for me, but the major choices in my life so far never have been.  Leaving my ex-husband was a gut-wrentching choice that often felt as though I was finally giving up on him as a person when I promised I never would.  Walking away from both of my biological parents’ abusive ways took me years, and upon mustering the courage, I never felt freer.  Leaving nursing school when I had put forth years of time, effort, and money.  All of these choices were huge, vast, and absolutely painful.  They were “those” choices, those instinct-fueled “I have to do this” choices that had me twisted.  This choice is another path I have to walk.  Am I ready? No. But if not now, when?

The hardest part is leaving my girls — those three girls who are like sisters to me, those I can call at midnight just because I feel like it or text a complete pissed off rant about some asshole who just violated my perceived moral code.  The girls I can sit in the same room with and say absolutely nothing, yet everything, without any exchange of spoken word.  The girls who have suffered with me in my journey, wiped my tears, and held me up.  How do I walk away from that?  Two of them I know I will have absolutely no issue maintaining contact with.  They are steadfast in frequent communication, whether it be through phone calls, texting, or social networking sites.  We’ll visit.  We’ll make it work because we love each other THAT much, but I HATE knowing I cannot just drive over to their houses and wrap my arms around them…that our movie nights with oversized blankets and cuddles will be infrequent and miles upon miles away…that the best part of me is being left behind in them.

I feel like my heart is failing me at this moment.  Tears are streaming my face and my soul is beyond tormented.  My husband just rushed in, concerned, and wrapped his arms around me. I couldn’t do this without him.  He is my rock right now because in these moments, I am the weakest I’ve been in a long time.  I am so vulnerable, so raw…so deeply pained. I know opportunity awaits me…I know my other “sister” awaits me…my other “family” awaits me…they need me…I must go.  Doing what is right doesn’t always feel good though.

My girls will tell me how much this hurts them, how it brings tears to their eyes, how they wish I didn’t have to go.  I want to be strong for them, and in the quiet recesses of my bedroom, I allow myself to fall apart…to break open…to crack into a billion pieces of anguish. When I left Colorado, I never cried or hurt like this because when I left, I wasn’t sure if I would return or not. But this time?  I know I’m not coming back.  I know my girls and I will meet up and reconnect and that we’ll always pick up right where we left off, as if no time had passed, but it’s just not the same.  They’re a part of me and I’m not sure how to hold myself up without them.  I don’t know how to function without them HERE, with me.

I feel like I’m leaving home for the first time.  Nothing has ever really ached like this before and I don’t know what to do with these emotions swelling within me like wine and bread.  I’m drunk on pain.  In most cases, I would avoid my loved ones completely, to isolate and prevent hurt. At least, the old me would have done that, years ago.  Now?  I want to share every moment with them…breathe them in…remember every single thing.  I don’t know how to say goodbye.  There are no rules for this and I am clueless.  I can’t plan this, logically analyze this, or make sense of it.

I’m not sure I want to.