My last post dealt with a friendship that truly wasn’t. Today, I made the choice to sever all ties, to walk away, to let go. No words were exchanged. They didn’t have to be. I already knew…she already knows…there’s just not enough glue for people who never would have meshed has circumstances not presented the situation. I really started looking at our history…her sense of morals differs vastly from my own. I believe in loyalty, consideration, and honoring your word. She does not. Based on those crucial aspects, I never would have befriended her.

I value education. She does not. I refuse to settle. She’s never strived to reach her dreams. I believe in being healthy and practicing wellness. She does not. I like to read. She likes to watch movies. I am an intellectual. She is very simple. I am rational and logical. She is not. I believe in green living. She does not. I decorate my home with color and decorative items. She uses movie posters and soda bottles. I cook at home. She eats fast food. I listen to my body. She ignores hers. I address issues before they fester. She bottles everything. I’m direct and assertive. She is passive aggressive. I’m broke because I’m a student. She’s broke because she doesn’t know how to budget.

The list goes on and on. She told me that she resents that I once “needed” her, but now I’m “too good” for her. By “too good” she means that I have finished college and I’m going to graduate school, I have married a man with great potential, and that I’ve pulled myself out of the hell that made me “need” her in the first place. She was upset because I’ve done everything I said I would. We once sat, overlooking the ocean, talking about all we wanted to do in life. I took action, she made excuses. And I’m okay with that because I have to live for me…not for her. She’s okay being co-dependent, taking cues from someone else to establish her own thoughts and opinions, and wasting her potential.

It bothers me that it hurts this deeply. I’m not sure why it hurts. Is it because I failed at this? Is it because I didn’t push away from her first? Is it because I’ve invested so much without return? I can’t put my finger on it, exactly. I feel a sense of loss, but not like I would if I lost one of my closest friends. I’m disappointed, but part of my soul is aching and I can’t identify the reason(s). Maybe the reason I hurt is because by letting go of her, I’m finally closing that chapter in my life…the part of my life involving my ex, my former self, and all the associated content. Perhaps I’m sad because this is where I realize I’ve finally grown up which means making good choices, moving forward, and becoming the woman I dreamt of being when I was a little girl. To full self-actualize, so to speak, I had to take that final step forward, leaving my past behind me, completely.

Maybe I’m not grieving for her. Maybe I’m grieving for what she symbolizes…the empty, hollow shell of the girl I used to be…tattered, torn, and aimless. Perhaps the reason I no longer know her anymore is because I’m not the same person. Maybe the reason she no longer likes me is because I am finally psychologically healthy and I have my shit together. Wow. I’ve spent over a year trying to figure this out and just by writing it, the pieces come together. This is why I blog.

I can sleep tonight. It’s easier for me to know I walked away because I grew as a person and not because I was rejected or that I rejected her. I realize there are seasons for friendships and a time and place for everything, but sometimes, the change is so subtle that you only realize how much you’ve changed after the impact is shockingly obvious. I would hang out with her and seriously wonder, “What the hell happened to her?” The thing was though…it wasn’t her who had changed, it was me. She’s still the same girl she’s always been. She still collects toys, wears pigtails, and thinks junk food is a staple. I’m no longer the girl who tolerated her bullshit, allowed my partner to walk all over me, or disrespected my body.

Looking back, we were always worlds apart. I was constantly trying to dumb myself down to get on her level and she was always keeping quiet to hide the difference. I loved her like a sister at one time. I really did. But I think I loved her because I was desperate to be loved, to have a family or someone who would accept me into theirs, and to escape the financial burden of leaving my ex. Our relationship was very need-based and as time went on, we filled the voids in with laughter, memories, and normal roommate-type things. Until I became psychologically healthy, I didn’t realize that that situation was parasitic in nature.

I remember the time she was very angry after a rock concert I took her to three days after she moved here. She absolutely hated it (despite asking to go) and I was very apologetic to her afterward. She told me if I apologized one more time, she’d hit me. Me, being the smart ass I am, repeated myself again and winked at her. Five minutes later, when my back was turned, she slammed her fist into my spine, knocking me to the ground, leaving me unable to move. Not immediately after I joked, but after she had time to contemplate it. And she didn’t just hit me, she nailed my spine, knocking me to my knees. I should have known then…

Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” Yes, indeed.